24 hour Duty and Thoughts of Past times with Sunny
xjcblackheartx
Here I sit on 24 hour duty...one of the bane's of my existence in the Army....its so illogical to make someone sit 24 hours and then drive a vehicle safety especially when its not necessary...The last time I was in this building doing this duty me and Sunny were together...I miss those times so much....My heart still will not let go of her fully...ever popular song i hear on TV locks me inside of a memory together with her...Where in this  memory she was my shoulder my back up she gave me strength she showed me she loved me ...which made everything so much better ..

I felt i could deal with the slings and arrows of the world of the Military of myself when I was with her....now I feel so alone...though i know I am never really alone...I know god is with me I still long so badly for her...for companionship for a partner...to share my life my joys my burdens...I shared all of those things with Sunny now I feel at times as if i am on an island surrounded by a never ending sea of loneliness and a feeling of being utterly unfulfilled ....god please help me

Please help me to accept what i cannot change gracefully...I am glad that i was at least able to attend church while on duty ....I know this is but a season ...and i know I will not feel like this always but for the moment i feel so alone i feel so trapped ...so dead inside

3 Am
xjcblackheartx
So its 3:44 am....My ulcer is in full effect...I can't sleep....I am thinking of Sunny...I am at my most lonely moment in the day it seems.....


AZ is 3 hours difference....and i wonder what she's doing in NC or WV at the moment...In my time of pain....I wish that I could look at things differently i wish that i could just ignore her in my mind the calling I have that seems relentless to have her near me...something I haven't experienced in 3months

I hope this day turns around for me

Sleepness Night #17
xjcblackheartx
My ulcer ...My memories of Sunny all of these things currently contribute to why i cannot find slumber this evening....
Today at church a guy asked me "what happened to the blonde girl you used to always hang out with?" I had to grin my teeth and just say "she moved" walking away rapidly afterward....

There are still days ...and specific instances where i feel this is just one big dream a joke...i'll wake up and Sunny will be here with me again telling me she made a grave mistake by leaving me....I realize more and more that's not the case....As i lay back down to bathe under the moon light....I wonder what she is doing at this very moment..I wonder is she knows how much i  love and miss her...I wonder if she even cares


I guess at the end of the day...if she's happy that's all that should matter even in my time of dying it seems....God please help me to accept this

3 moons past
xjcblackheartx
3 Full moons  have been upon my eyes since me and Sunny parted ways...Every time i look at one pain enters my heart...They always made me feel connected to her as if we were looking at the same moon it was as space and distance  had no baring on our love ...It seems now that's a mute point ...there's a painful memory where i see her in a picture standing next to her husband looking so happy..its a dagger in my heart because literally 1 month before that picture was taken she stood happier still with me ...

she exclaimed how much she love me withstanding her love for him but she still in fact loved  me more differently more assuredly then she did him...It was a enough to  make me down right giddy with delight that this girl who's bronze skin touched mine nightly this girl who's blonde hair still clings to some articles of my clothing and whose sweet perfume will forever be impressed upon my senses loved me as much as i loved her....I feel as though it was a farce at times....

I wish so often lately that i could forget her entirely ...I was asked by my counselor what I did differently in my day before her....Well i went out more....I had more money to do that as then I hadn't taken a loan out in which to help her and her children ...not that i am blaming her for a financial disparity but ...to get back to the question...I could'nt even answer him...I can't and a lot of time really don't think about how my life was before I met this girl...to me she was'nt an affair she was'nt a one night stand...she represented eternal companionship on this earth...a quelling to my loneliness...a soul mate I often thought....with so much we clicked on how we easily just seemed to fit into each other in so many aspects like puzzle pieces..I thought at last i has found the one...
:( how foolish i was...

I feel Stuck
xjcblackheartx
I do some very mundane things throughout my times of bordom...I sit  here at work waiting to go work out ....basically the only social interaction i can afford at this point....I feel as though time heals most wounds at this point...I have been looking through CDs and within every CD or popular song I run over there is a Memory of Sunny.....and with that a painful reminder that she is'nt here with me anymore...Furthermore a reminder that at least on this earth I am alone when it comes to companionship

I've done the right thing by Angel to the best of my ability now all i can do is pray to god that her Veterans Affairs increase come through as I need so badly to move on with my life....I am so lonely ...I am still in so much pain... I am able to paint a smile on my face and find postivity in my time of drowining in a sea of my own blood...But There comes  point when I become so fed up at times...I am so tired of hurting over her...and furthermore i am not able to move on in any type of way unti my divorce is final lest I find me out of the graces of god....I also want her to finally be able to move pass me in a positve direction and find her true happiness that i could not offer her..I hope its expediate as she is sorely deserving in such things

Sunny Haunts my deams still and every interaction I have throughout the day...despite my best efforts my heart and mind turn to her and her disposition or lack there of for me...even worse when i allow myself to think of her Husband and how he is compared to me..when so many times i was told why she left him for me why she chose me...now it is me who is left bewildered ....I try my best to not hate or wish ill of him in any way shape or form for doing what any husband would do who loves his wife..yet it still sucks to realize that my very desire and love for a girl is completely and inheratedly wrong

god help me get through this

(no subject)
xjcblackheartx
I am at work...about to commit to my daily ritual of working out to get out my emotions....to just past the time...To just get my mind off of her....

All this time has passed and yet it seems like none has passed at all...I miss Sunny so much...and it still hurts so badly some days...today is one of those days...I've resisted looking at her pictures I've tried so hard not to think of her ....My  head feels as if its spinning sometimes and i feel completely utterlly stuck in this pain and anguish....

I know it is for a purpose as I've said many times before ....but god if it is'nt killing me inside..i feel as though I have a 400lb weight on my chest all day and night..

and my longing for her never stops but only for moments in the day .....as soon as I sit still it returns ripping like impending death ...

Nightmares #4
xjcblackheartx
I had this very incoherent dream about her .......Blatantly showing off another guy in front of me....I am not sure why I keep having dreams of this specific nature but ...its become tiresome to lose sleep over such things....Even though Sunny didn't chose me in the end ....I am not sure why I keep having dreams to depict her hurting me directly ...Maybe in my subconscious this is what I've resolved to me myself...that she did in fact mean to hurt me.....

I hated how real the dream felt while i was in the middle of it all....I grow so weary and impatient with this part of heartache...I feel like i am justified in some anger but I do my very best not to give in to the baser urge to chose be infuriated by this all....I know in the end of everything I did the very best that I could and by her own admission I treated her well and put her first in all things..I really haven't the slightest idea what more i could do concerning this situation....

My birthday approaches ...I hope that I can enjoy a moment of peace and retrospective on this day of my birth maybe I'll even enjoy it for a change who knows

Tears Forever Fall for Her
xjcblackheartx
Today April 2nd 2012 marks 2 whole months since me and Sunny cut ties....I think of her often through song through experiences in this town....Today I cried for the first time in 3 weeks After I heard "so Far away" By Avenged Sevenfold....one of Sunny's favorite band..A band that i like as well but have avoided like the plague since we broke up...we listened to pretty much all of their albums together....and one of my first presents to her was that of there second album....

The tears that flowed gave way to emotions that I know are just below a superficial barrier of cosmetic happiness at times...I miss her so much that I can't describe it in words....I wonder how she is doing so often it takes over my mind at times and I literally have to talk myself down from calling her to just hear her voice...for what would that accomplish ...her sweet kisses or no longer mine to command...her sweet nothing that were once whispered in were replaced with an uncomfortable stand off demeanor where once it was love and intimacy that I receive when speaking to her on the phone...The last time we spoke I felt nothing but her willingness to move forward and erase me nothing i could say or do could pursued Sunny otherwise..

After all this pain ...this anguish this great suffering...
my love for her
is still
so
every present...
I want god to take back the piece of my heart a gave to her
as I know she does not want it at all
any feelings that I still wish to discuss concerning her I don't engage in as she asked me to help people in this town forget her
so I feel alone at times I have no one to confide in on this earth....
I feel so much pain
god help me as you are the only one who can deliver me from this great affliction

Reflections/ Nightmares#3
xjcblackheartx
A Saturday like many others since this whole mess began..I woke up to dreams of Sunny they are a little fewer and far between as they were in the beginning still they hurt....They seem so real....I dream of her being with him now..I dream of her calling me and telling me how she feels for me still...I feel mentally ensnared by these cruel conjunctures of what fantasize about so  much...I miss sunny so much but I have to admit ...My heart is healing slowing but surely....

I find more and more to be appreciative about during this whole situation..Working out has been my panacea in this whole thing....my relationship with god has been cornerstone in not only my recovery of this but my new change in lifestyle...I have to admit i am still very lonely at times...I do my best to put it out of my head....It feels good to have women flirt with me  and compliment me on my body or just say nice things about me ...In my current state that's all it is though as i don't have sex anymore before marriage...and still waiting for my divorce to be over has me in a position when i can do nothing concerning a relationship with a women...Still as stated i am lonely...I know that I can't replace Sunny....and maybe that's not what I should look for....

Me and her shared so  many things only specific to me and her....I love her dearly for all that she is....despite the great pain she caused me for justified reasons or not...I have so much deep love and respect for her...I often just wish to forget her at the same time I try and minimize her so I don't begin to self loath....Sure sunny had her flaws and even when i try and focus on them I feel as though i am not doing our memories justice...The connection I felt with her was unlike anything I've ever felt in my life...I accidentally stumble across old emails she sent me where she exclaimed "I want to be with you forever"

I miss this girl...I know that i have to live my life...I badly want to call her at times but i know the result will be nothing positive as i still can't recall when  her "I love you" turned into "I have warm memories" ...Such a declination ....I'm still so confused by it all...

Someday I wish I could erase her ....from all my memories and thoughts as she did me so easily ...:(
I know that's not possible nor would it bring any type of revelation ...

God allow me to suffer in patience and understanding

Time Heals Most wounds
xjcblackheartx
Its almost been 3 months since we broke up...I still think about Sunny ..My urges to cry have subsided for the moment..i still miss her ..I still long for her...I've just gotten better about putting her out of my head...I am still a social leper to anyone and everyone associated with her but i guess that's for the best....

Maybe my pain will stop entirely one day....maybe one day i'll not long for her as I do now and feel so incomplete....I hope and pray for the expediency of that day....

Until then I miss you so Sunny
I love you and wish things were different...
I hope my heart will not be left alone for all times

?

Log in

No account? Create an account