So often
xjcblackheartx
So often I am numb, I try so desperately to find all the blessings in my life, to find the little reasons here and there to be happy. The other day i was shopping in Target and thought I saw sunny, a girl who looked like her from afar pierced my heart so deeply that it was a sure reminder that I am still hurting inside for this girl..I would have thought at this point that i was honestly at a point where she no longer would cause me so so much pain...I wonder how badly it would hurt to just glimpse upon her face currently knowing that any new picture would surely be with her husband....I am still socially a leaper i avoid face book like the plague and honestly those who me and her knew as mutual friends hurt me more than help me at times when it comes to my healing process...I have to wonder how long it will be til i am truly over her....its been since the end of January and i am still hurting so badly. I thank god for Ticia and her friendship has been such a blessing to me...

Again I love my friend Vanessa but its so hard to talk to her and not want to ask about Sunny or be reminded of the fact that she at times was a tie that bound us. Still its refreshing to know she is doing well currently..

I guess I should go do something resourceful or rather something worth doing with equates to preparing to go work out

Another Day Another Feeling of Emptiness
xjcblackheartx
Today a Tuesday like many others since my life seemed to turn upside down. I often wonder how I became so comfortable with the instability of my life with Sunny. It all seemed worth it in the face of being with her. My flashes of her in my mind are still pretty constant., I feel at times as if i am a constant dam of emotions and i am constantly trying to keep my head above water constantly trying to prevent myself from slipping into sadness.

I am lonely, so empty inside most days, I hate this feeling it seems so constant. My life seems to be a big cycle of mundane and meaningless time wasting exercises..I know there god has to have a plan for me I have to cling to it...

I wish one day  ...rather i have to believe that god will rid me of this pain..and get me out of this relationship with Angela...I still feel so stuck..and i feel terrible that she is as well just completely stuck....

God help me get past this ....Please bless me with this New MOS and a new life where i can be fulfilled and happy finally .

Today we met so long ago
xjcblackheartx
July 12th 2011 the day me and Sunny made our first exchange. It seems like a lifetime ago now but it is most assuredly on my mind this morning. So many other things are going on in my  life from my change of my MOS to the situation with Angel to my struggles to try and stay righteous as a member of the LDS church...I am thankful to god for all of the new understanding I have been granted, the new perspective on life the new friends I have made, but my heart still longs for this girl who 6 months ago told me "it was over" and i was nothing more than a "warm memory"

Forgiving her has been hard for me and a strange thing at the same time. I don't hate her at all and I try and  maintain the good times in my head we had as well as all the reasons i love her  though it seems hard when pressed with her actions toward the end of our relationship. I still love her but i try and find reasons to see her in a negative light. in Some respects I feel its the only way i can move on with my life.

I pray for the day that i am no longer in the holding pattern finding another seems like a forgone conclusion though i know that my heart will never been mended completely until i can give my heart to another. Unfortunately that's not in god's plan at the moment. I thank god that my despair for Sunny is at least a fleeting feeling now a comfortably numb pain that seems to follow me no matter where i go. I know god has sustained me in this and that it could be worse because at times i felt as though I'd gone insane for the loss of her. I pray for the day when I look upon these entries and shutter to think of how my life was when god blesses me abundantly.

its darkest before the dawn as they say

Time Stands Still but Moves fast
xjcblackheartx
Its been a little bit since I last wrote; I've been doing a lot of things to try and make time pass by; within all of my undertakens though it seems a constant feeling of trying to stave off my feelings or rather trying to make myself numb to my past. I have been trying to focus on my career and stay postive about this situation with Angela's VA benefits they seem at times as if they will never come. I know beyond everything god will take care of me at times I feel angry though that i am still in this period of transition; Still stuck in this emotional rut over Sunny still stuck waiting for change to come to my career, still stuck unhappy with Angela. I wish i could make things better for Angela at times. I regret the pain that I caused her by saying "I Do" not knowing that i was'nt prepared for all the impending obstacles that would break us apart. I truly hope and pray after we part she finds a great guy who can fullfill her in all the ways I fell short.

My career feels as though it stuck; I sit and think about my next training and have confidence that god will push me forward in victory he will push me forward in a postive manner to have my career flourish and blossom into something better than I could imagine.

I love vanessa to death, she's have a crummy run in life currently , It makes me thankful that my situation is not worse, I wish I could do more to help her through her situation ....we were friends well before sunny and me became involved...since we broke up she is a tie that binds us....at times well most of the times to my great dismay...its like watching a trainwreck; You don't want to watch knowing the image is grisly the news badly but you can't help but inquire. That's how i feel when we talk about Sunny.

I hear she is doing better I hear that her life is in order well i guess...but it hurts me to know that she is happy or at least is perceived to be without me....Vanessa told me to think about the situation as a whole think about how quickly she intially moved passed Kody to be with me to only do the same thing again back to him...she asked if you wanted to be with a person like that. The truth is no, I do love Sunny to death and I gave up so much of my soul and moral compass to be involved with her at times I feel it was worth other times I tell myself it was'nt ..those times feel as though i am lying to myself...the fact remains I still love and care for her...and so many things still make me long for her...

July 12th marks the first day we met......I think often of how things would have turned out had i not asked her for her number that night ...50/50 hindsight always produces great wisdom never to be aquired during the event itself..I thank god for his mercy though..so many things could be worse in this situation ..I have to cleave to what is righteous at this point ......

Memories Always Catch up
xjcblackheartx
The last two weeks have been trying...My feelings for Sunny at times seem as if they will just remain in the back of my mind until a mutual friend of mind painfully reminded me how much I still long and care for her.....She exclaimed that she went and visited her in my home town of all places where she is currently stationed with her Husband...those words make me shutter even when typed.....

She is thinking of moving there herself...i am not sure why this struck a cord with me at the time but I remember relapsing into a sleepless night well a couple of sleepless nights....The kicker or rather the death blow was after i made the comment

"I sit and think of her so much, not a day goes by that i don't long for her  or think of her, all the while she sits content and I probably never cross her mind."
My fried says "You'd be surprised how much she thinks of you"

These words bothered me for so many reasons...My love for sunny seems as though its such a destructive thing at times....and now that i have taken these vows I now furthermore that we will not be together especially at this point in  my life where i wait for a divorce and a drastic career change within the Army ...Still my heart belongs to her...My longing never stops and my one true desire on this earth would be to make her happy....

There are more ways that i can exclaim my loneliness after her departure or how no girl can fill in the place of her...I am sure I've expounded  upon it in so many ways at this point  ...Still as 6 months of our breakup approaches I am left again with the though ...when will it all be over....the pain the longing the anguish...when will I be either be reunited or be free of my deep emotional indiscretion ....

Please god continue to keep me and show me mercy for i know if not for you I'd surely perish with all of this heartbreak

Numbing Normality
xjcblackheartx
I catch up with old friends...I ride my motorcycle that I've had for months on end in the shop ...it offers me freedom of movement plus I've truly missed riding....Its almost been a year when i dropped my bike in front of club where i met Sunny...I remember how she calmed me down and exclaimed at that time how much she loved me and how it would all be ok....I remember feeling as though no matter what as long as we where together tomorrow would outshine the darkness of today

Seeing old friends has offered me solace ....and invoked envy at times,one of my best friend finally found love after years of trying he is now a father and a family man...something I used to think was a petty venture forced upon of all by society norms...Its also what I wanted the most with sunny...I miss her so much

Its now a numb feeling constantly  with highlights and accents of intense nights of pain..Pain whenever i hear a certain song or go past a specific place anytime I ride past the place where we first locked eyes...I have to force myself not to call her I feel so lonely at times and wonder around aimlessly like a zombie a shell of my former self...as much as I've grown for a the postive there are days where i am just afraid this will not subside.....

with all this I still long for her
I still pray for her happiness
I still wish for her safety
I still want to make her happy

Early Morning Thoughts about her swirl
xjcblackheartx
In the military i often have early wake ups  but none earlier than my 3;00 Am duty that extends to 7:30 am where i basically sit in my car and watch traffic go by....it never ceases to amaze me how much time I have on my hands in the mornings to think about things that have happened ....To to be candid i woke up this morning thinking about Sunny a lot...I normally avoid thinking of her as much as I want to be sane through out the week ....but there are times when i Just can't avoid thinking of her ...

This morning is such a morning...I woke up and immediately began to think of her....intensely ...there are tons of things going on in my life that i could be complaining about but....I seem to always come back to her in my zero hour...I guess my feelings of being stuck and still very lonely continue and extend far beyond what i am currently feeling...my life sure has had some positive growth as far as spiritually ....but i hurt

I hurt so badly some days still ....I miss  her so so much god it painful some days it feels so so intense when i sit and wrap my head around it ...I am not much for country music as much as i am for eclecticism but i find myself listening to more and more lately ....I wish this was done and over....some days i wonder how i can honestly pray for her happiness with this intense pain she caused me.... the countless tears she caused to fall  seem endless like the rain....its been about 2 whole months since I've shed a physical tear over  her,.. but those feelings still remain....

I wonder if she's truly happy...if she's content with the choice she made or if it was one of necessity

right now i am in so much pain
right now i wish she would come back to me
right now ...i wish it all would end......
god please help me through this intense pain and lamentation
I miss you so much sunny :(

This Song
xjcblackheartx
Finding meaning in this song ...it describes almost perfectly my situation with Sunny and how badly it hurts still to almost 5 months removed

It was love at first sight
I know from the way she looked at me
Her eyes said it all
Long days and nights, we spent
Until she dropped the bomb on me
When she said that she
Was unhappily married with children


And I wish I never met her at all
Even though I love her so
She got love from me
But she still belongs to someone else

It hurts so bad, for sure
Because she wants to be with me
But she cannot be with me
She chose to stay, at home
So they could be a family
For the children
But what about me?


Maybe in another life
Things could be the way we both desired
It's a catch-22
Either way it hurts
Someone that you lose


I wish I wish I never met her at all
I wouldn't hurt so much inside
Oh I wouldn't feel this pain
If I never met her at all, at all, at all
Wish I never, wish I never

I am still hurting its suprising at times still I wake up and think maybe this has been a long nightmare and she'll come back.....I know there's a lot in my life that has changed for the better but there's not a day that goes by that i don't long for a love that we had...i wish so badly things would work out and we could be together....

My Birthday is Tommrow and I am alone
xjcblackheartx
Tommrow is my birthday seems quite lacklust compared to previous years as I no longer drink or smok or anything for that matter. It also is kind of a drag as  I planned on spending it with Sunny...

As stated in previous entries I planned so many things with her that seem will never come to fruition ...I have hope though that maybe i'll have something to do on my day of birth moreover i have hope that one day my heart will completely heal from this....a couple of good friends have been getting me through this and for that I thank god for companionship in any form...

Everyone Moves on but Me
xjcblackheartx

I went to see a mutual friend of Me and Sunny's today to find out that she is moving to TX with her fiancee..I am happy for them both ...at the same time its a grim reminder of how happier my life was when me and Sunny were together ....We lived with them for awhile when me and Sunny still were together but....Now I just feel kind of let down...She is past it Sunny has already moved on with her life and i am stuck not only physically in this place but emotionally but emotionally as well..

I love Sunny nothing will change that
I just wish it didn't hurt anymore
I just wish i didn't feel so alone


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